Q: How can I rebuild a relationship with my children after leaving them years ago? I deeply regret walking out on my family following my divorce, and I have worked hard to change. I want to reconnect but my children currently want nothing to do with me.
Focus on the Family Malaysia: It is great to hear that you have put your life on a new footing – keep moving in that direction.
At the same time – and as harsh as this sounds – there is a reason your children don’t want any contact with you – you abandoned them. Our actions have lasting consequences. In life, we often have to face the results of our past choices, especially when they have caused pain to others.
You need to be realistic and proceed with caution. Your interest in wanting to re-establish a relationship with your children is understandable and commendable. However, earning back their trust won’t happen overnight. It will require patience, humility and time.
Before taking any steps, it is important to ask yourself some hard questions. What is truly driving your desire to reconnect with your children? Do you have their best interests at heart or are you primarily seeking relief from your own guilt?
Your children need time and space to decide if and when they are ready to reconnect. If you truly want what is best for them, it is important to honour that. Let them move towards you at their own pace – even if it is cautious and slow.
Avoid expecting immediate contact. A better approach would be to express your remorse and ask for forgiveness through letters or thoughtful notes to show that you remember and still care.
Let them know that you understand the depth of their pain and anger, and that you are committed to respecting their wishes regarding any potential reconciliation. If and when they feel ready to reconnect, it would be wise to arrange a meeting with the guidance of an experienced family therapist. During this time, Focus on the Family’s Counselling Department can provide valuable support for you to navigate this process.
Q: My marriage feels stuck in a rut. I find myself doing the same things for my wife – like giving her flowers on Valentine’s Day – more out of obligation than genuine intention. How can I shift my mindset and bring more meaning back into our relationship?
Focus on the Family Malaysia: Most of us go through daily routines filled with obligations and only a few moments are truly driven by passion. As adults, we naturally take on tasks that just need to get done. But over time, these responsibilities can overshadow our deeper desires and connections. That is often where the trouble begins. Duty and obligations are like bread and water – they allow us to survive but that is it. To really thrive, we need passion.
The same is true in marriage. We marry for love, romance and shared dreams but the practical demands of daily life often take over. Before we know it, intimacy is crowded out by busyness and the passion we once cherished gets buried beneath jobs, laundry and paying the bills.
The good news is that passion can be restored in your marriage. Sometimes, it starts with simple moments – sitting on the couch and talking about your day or holding hands during a walk.
Take time to discover or rediscover each other’s “love languages” and adjust how you connect accordingly. When you intentionally reach for your wife’s heart, you may be surprised at how she – and your marriage – can come alive again with renewed passion.
This article is contributed by Focus on the Family Malaysia, a non-profit organisation dedicated to supporting and strengthening the family unit. It provides a myriad of programmes and resources, including professional counselling services, to the community. For more information, visit family.org.my. Comments: letters@thesundaily.com
