Q: Our daughter is painfully shy. As a toddler, she would hide behind my legs whenever guests came over. Now, as a teenager, she still struggles with social interaction – avoiding eye contact and rarely speaking up around others. Although she does well academically, we
are concerned about how her shyness
might affect her future relationships and opportunities. How can we support her in becoming more confident and comfortable in social situations?

Focus on the Family Malaysia: First, let’s clarify a common misconception. Author Susan Cain points out: “Shyness is the fear
of social disapproval or humiliation while introversion is a preference for environments that are not overstimulating.”

Some introverts are shy, and many shy people are introverted. But those are not synonymous terms.

Shyness is usually a personality trait. It is not that children want to feel timid around people; they just do. With some patience and encouragement, parents can help shy children develop confidence in social settings.

Shy people feel most timid in unfamiliar situations. One solution would be to make those settings feel more predictable and routine. Create opportunities for your daughter to venture into unknown territory with you by her side.

For example, let her order her own meal at a restaurant or accompany her while she asks a salesperson a question. You can coach her the first few times on what to say but you should gradually pull back when she starts handling the situation on her own.

Remember, too, that you will probably have to repeat this process for each new situation. Ordering her own meal, for instance, may not directly help her to make phone calls or set appointments. But with each new task she conquers, her overall confidence should grow.

A shy child will likely always be shy. But handled properly, shyness can be a gift. Shy children tend to grow into sensitive and caring adults, who show a high degree of compassion for others. They just need some help from you to learn how to manage their shyness.

Q: I’m in my late 20s. I date a lot but have seen so many marriages break up, including my parents’, that I’m not keen to go down that road myself. Why pursue a lost cause, right?

Focus on the Family Malaysia: One of the most insightful statements I have heard about marriage comes from author Maggie Gallagher: “Getting married is the boldest and most idealistic thing that most of us will ever do.”

Gallagher is right; marriage demands a lot from us. Building a successful marriage requires us to think about our spouse’s well-being more than our own.

And this is no surprise – this kind of sacrifice does not come naturally. It takes a lot of commitment to live it out every day.

One of my favourite thoughts about marriage comes from an unexpected philosopher: Rocky Balboa. In the original 1976 movie, a friend asks Rocky why he is interested in Adrian, a young woman who is painfully shy. Rocky replies in his trademark way: “She’s got gaps; I got gaps. Together we fill the gaps!”

Rocky’s statement is simple but profound. We have the ability to be strong where our spouse is weak. To do that, we have to be willing to step outside of ourselves and make our spouse’s needs a priority.

The love we feel when we are dating is usually all about our needs being met. That is why Gallagher describes marriage as a “bold” move – because real love begins only after the infatuation fades.

And when it does, lasting love is found not in constant excitement but in the quiet courage to serve one another. To fill each other’s gaps. It is bold, idealistic and absolutely worth it.

This article is contributed by Focus on the Family Malaysia, a non-profit organisation dedicated to supporting and strengthening the family unit. Join the dad and daughter date and make memories that will last a lifetime for you and your daughter (13-19 years). Register now at family.org.my/daddaughter.
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