Feeling like a failure is common, but the new year offers renewal. Experts advise embracing forgiveness and open communication to strengthen family bonds.

Q: Sometimes I feel like a complete failure as a parent. I try to be consistent with my children but there are days when I just don’t give them the attention they deserve or have the patience with them as I should. I am afraid that I am going to mess things up and lose my connection with them by the time they are grown.

Focus on the Family Malaysia: We know how you feel because most parents have been there, too. But that is one reason we love this time of year. The new year is all about renewal, new resolutions, new habits and new challenges. It is a chance for people to start over in various areas of their lives, including parenting.

As parents, we know that second chances are a part of everyday life. We struggle and strive to help our children do the right thing. But sometimes, they fall short of the mark. When that happens, it is our job to help them get back up, dust themselves off and try again.

Sometimes, if they have been disobedient, they may need appropriate correction to get them back on track. Other times, our children simply need an arm around them and a word of encouragement to do better next time. Either way, it is all about extending grace and forgiveness.

Here is the crazy thing: as mums and dads, we need that grace and forgiveness from our children, too. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Sometimes – maybe even much of the time – we make mistakes. We lose our temper, we fail to make time for our children or we may accuse them of something they didn’t do. Thankfully, children are resilient.

If we are honest and humble when we mess up, they are more than happy to come running back into our arms and forgive us. There is always room for second chances within a loving family. Let grace flow freely in your home. Hug and reconcile whenever patience is lost and mistakes happen, this will keep connections close even when the children are older.

Q: I am recently married. My husband and I are discovering – the hard way – that we deal with life stresses differently and we are struggling to understand each other. What can we do?

Focus on the Family Malaysia: Welcome to married life – and a reality check. Stress can often cause us to function in an out-of-balance mode where we end up operating in the extremes of our personalities. This perhaps occurs most often when we feel pressured.

Research shows that men and women deal with stress differently. As a man’s stress level increases, his body produces more oxytocin hormone, which is further influenced by testosterone. These chemicals trigger a fight-or-flight response. In other words, when stressed, men either act more aggressively or withdraw – we like to say “go into their caves”.

Women also produce more oxytocin but it is coupled with oestrogen and has a different result. When stressed, women tend to lean into relationships, either protectively nurturing their children or seeking out other female friends. Researchers have called this the “tend-and-befriend” response.

Basically, these chemical reactions set men and women up to respond differently during times of stress – the perfect combination for conflict. Women want to connect while men may feel more ready to pick a fight or withdraw. Understanding that contrast can go a long way towards helping you find common ground.

Sometimes gender differences can seem pretty stereotypical. This scenario may look somewhat different in your marriage but researchers have found it to occur in many relationships.

How you respond to your spouse when they are under stress has a direct impact on their behaviour towards you and, of course, vice versa. Create a calm and safe space to express what you need when feeling stressed. Share what makes you feel supported and allow your spouse room to do so too. As you understand each other better, you can love more fully.

If you would like a safe space to talk things through, you can schedule an appointment with a counsellor on our website.

This article is contributed by Focus on the Family Malaysia, a non-profit organisation dedicated to supporting and strengthening the family unit. It provides a myriad of programmes and resources, including professional counselling services, to the community. For more information, visit family.org.my. Comments: letters@thesundaily.com

 The Sun Malaysia